Saving Della

Amidst the sonic commotion that accompanies the beginning of any new period, the high pitch of a whistle summoned the kids' attention. Gathering 'round, they all sat in a circle in the middle of the gymnasium floor to hear the rules of the game they'd be playing. Standing tall in the middle of the circle, the teacher explained the rules loudly.

The Rules

Two teams: The Pinnies and the No-Pinnies. Straws would be drawn to determine who ended up on each. The No-Pinnies' goal was to capture. The Pinnies' goal was to evade. A Pinnie was successfully captured upon being tagged by a No-Pinnie. As such, any captured Pinnie must proceed directly to the nearest of four possible "jails," located in each of the four corners of the gymnasium.

Drawing attention to the assortment of foam blocks scattered about the gym, he explained that they were for exclusive use by No-Pinnies in whatever capacity they found fit. Furthermore, it was clarified that any contact whatsoever between a foam block and a Pinnie, be it intentional or incidental, also constituted being tagged and, as such, rendered that Pinnie captured. He closed by saying that the game would conclude upon the successful internment of each and every Pinnie inside the four collective jails.

With that, he opened the equipment closet and pulled out a box of colored mesh and a large bunch of straws bound by a rubber band.

A short time later, straws drawn and mesh donned, another hit from the whistle around the pinnie-less teacher's neck beckoned his allies for an impromptu No-Pinnie huddle.

The Girl

Despite his own luck during the straw-drawing phase, one boy took note of an unfortunate pull by a girl in class named Magdalena. Everyone called her Della. He liked Della because she was always nice to him.

One time, a deep-voiced eighth grader accidentally knocked over a drink onto the lunch table during an animated retelling of a skateboard trick. With everyone's attention fixed on the booming orator, nobody noticed the puddle soaking the boy's turkey sandwich. But Della noticed, and then gave him the other half of her sandwich, and even though it was ham instead, he was happy.

So on this day, Della’s pinnie made him sad. It took only a single stroke of bad luck and suddenly she was being chased by a frustrated middle-aged athlete with a posse. It wasn't fair. The game certainly wasn’t fair; every kid in class knew that. The best anyone could do was just hope to end up on the fortunate side of the straws.

But because Della wore mesh now, the boy made sure to pay especially close attention to whatever strategy the clump of No-Pinnies gathered in the corner of the gym would ultimately deploy.

The Tactics

With his gang of No-Pinnies clustered around him, the teacher took a knee to divulge the details of the undiscussed and unelected master plan he’d already decided upon. As their de facto General, he explained that the best way to capture Pinnies was to split the No-Pinnies into multiple sub-groups for the purpose of leveraging No-Pinnie strength against Pinnie weakness across multiple fronts.

For starters, he’d send the fastest and most agile No-Pinnies on a straightforward chase, ordering the assemblage of sprinters to target the heaviest Pinnies since they’d likely also be the slowest. This No-Pinnie unit was dubbed the Dogfighters.

Then, he’d arm the biggest and strongest No-Pinnies with the foam blocks to be used as ammunition in a type of through-the-air onslaught, commanding the cohort to aim primarily for girl Pinnies and smaller boy Pinnies, assuming they’d be the enemy faction least capable of reliably dodging any fast-incoming fire. This No-Pinnie unit was dubbed the Firing Squad.

Lastly, he instructed those still without established roles in the blitzkrieg-style offensive (a pack of mostly girl No-Pinnies) to band together and use any available foam blocks to build diagonal walls in front of each of the gym’s four jails. This way, captured Pinnies would be unable to escape and rejoin the ruckus alongside their enmeshed allies. He called this No-Pinnie unit the Homemakers.

With a hoot and a holler and plenty of false enthusiasm for the General’s surefire scheme, the boy joined the rest of his fellow No-Pinnies in assuming the starting position: forward-leaning with one hand against the designated gymnasium wall, opposite that against which the Pinnies began.

The Hunt

Roles assigned and goals aligned, alas, a third and final screech from the whistle marked the official start of the hunt.

As instructed, the Dogfighters almost immediately scored a sizable number of (sizable) captures. Upon being tagged, these captured Pinnies took their place inside the jail nearest to them at the moment of capture. However, given how early in the hunt these captures were made, the planned retaining walls had not yet been constructed by the Homemakers. Therefore, with relative ease, nearly every Pinnie captured during this stage all but sauntered out of their respective jails while nobody was looking. That said, most of them would go on to be captured again and again as the hunt proceeded. And each successive time, escape became more and more difficult as construction on the foam walls progressed.

Unused blocks were quickly seized, aimed, and thrown with notable velocity by the Firing Squad at the most vulnerable Pinnies. Many of the shots fired were successful. Many were not. The pace at which Pinnies were captured by the airborne attack proved slower than the rate at which the chase unit procured captures, however, any unsuccessful shots taken by the Firing Squad simply relocated blocks from one side of the gymnasium to the other, at which point they were retrieved by a Homemaker and utilized in the fortification of the nearest wall.

. . .

As the hunt carried on, a natural cycle began to emerge across the events playing out on the battlefield.

First, an ample wave of Pinnies would be captured by the Dogfighters. Then, a smattering of the remaining Pinnies would be tagged out by shots from the Firing Squad. Finally, after being captured and jailed, a throng of brave Pinnies would shrewdly break free by synchronizing their attempted escapes such that they’d all try to flee at the same time, overwhelming the opposition and creating confusion and disarray amongst their captors. Inevitably, a large number of these Pinnies would fail in their escape, either by making contact with a wall on their way out, being tagged by a vigilant Dogfighter, or falling victim to a sharp shot by an out-of-sight goon from the Firing Squad. However, with each successive attempt, a select few of the slipperiest and most elusive Pinnies would inevitably escape with success and prolong the hunt.

In enough time, progress on the walls blocking captured Pinnies from escape proved respectable and effective. For this reason, with each new cycle, a growing concentration of captured Pinnies would remain in captivity while a growing concentration of their attempted escapes proved wholly unsuccessful. Thus, as the battle persisted, fewer and fewer Pinnies were able to stay free.

. . .

However, despite the natural tides seeming to be rigged in favor of the No-Pinnies, an unexpected—but consistent—pattern also appeared.

Strangely, there came cycles in which Pinnies would regain strength in numbers, albeit marginal, thanks to a series of inopportune errors and/or blunders by No-Pinnies. In at least one instance, a boy No-Pinnie from the Firing Squad missed a shot at a passing Pinnie so badly that he completely knocked over the nearly finished, nearly perfect retaining wall in front of one of the jails—and freed nearly every Pinnie in that jail. As cycles repeated, such mistakes came in waves.

The net effect of such recurrences was a kind of sustained equilibrium in which Pinnies would be captured, Pinnies would escape, Pinnies would be recaptured, No-Pinnies would inexplicably commit tactical missteps, Pinnies would re-escape, and the whole process would start again.

From the throes of the battlefield, the General grew increasingly irate at the confusing failures of his units. As he watched, it occurred to him that the rebellion of Pinnies in this particular third period was the only group to date that’d managed to overcome his previously undefeated tactics. Nevertheless, he recognized that this particular game appeared destined to end in a stalemate: the first time he'd ever seen a single game survive the duration of an entire period.

And all the while, Della stayed free.